Judah Asher Parks is finally here!  He was born on April 7, 2014 at 4:10 pm and weighed 6 lbs 12 oz.  We were all instantly in love.  Well, except Shepard :)  He had some warming up to do ;)  Shep is a great big brother, just a little rough around the edges if you know what I mean!  Judah has been oh so sweet.  I hold him. A lot.  He has been exactly what the Lord intended him to be so far.  A welcomed joy that is filled with hope.  He is special.

The joy of his birth comes mixed with emotions of grief as well.  I miss my mom.  Its been almost 6 months since she passed.  6 months without my mom.  I want it to be easier.  Sometimes it is.  Other times it's just not.  I could not imagine her not being here for the birth of this precious boy, and even the day of delivery, with all the family and friends that surrounded us, it felt like there was a gaping hole in the room where she should've been.  It was all so very bittersweet.

Mother's Day is this weekend.  I find myself wanting to skip it altogether. This particular holiday is harder than others because it was a day marked out to honor her!   I don't want life to keep moving on without her.  I have voicemails on my phone that I listen to, just to hear her voice.  I let Judah listen too, so he can know what she sounded like.    I just can't believe this is reality sometimes!

So, in light of remembering her on this upcoming Mother's Day, I wanted to jot down a few things, out of pages that I could fill,  that made her so special:

-She loved the Lord.
-She was a faithful wife.
-She worked so hard.
-She loved fiercely.
-She chose to see the best in people.
-She sacrificed herself for the good of others.  ALOT.
-She was tough.
-She was a fighter.
-She was a loyal friend to many.
-She was a servant.
-She was so hospitable.
-She was forgiving.
-She was strong.
-She was thoughtful.
-She was the BEST Mimi.
-She was my mama.

Missing her...

For several weeks now, I have felt the Lord urging me to blog about my mom.  There are so many thoughts and emotions, I have trouble making sense of it all.  As a whole, I don't write too many things down.  I've always wanted to be an avid journaler, putting on paper my deepest thoughts and feelings.  But….nope.  I tend to just keep that at arm's length ;)  When it comes to my mama though, something certainly just needs to be written.

On November 13, 2013, just 10 days from my previous blog post, I got a call from my middle sister that mama was having some trouble breathing.  An ambulance was called and I met them at the hospital.  She was doing better when I got there after a little oxygen and some fluids.  They were just gonna keep her overnight and the plan was to send her home the following morning on some oxygen.  I stayed with her until about 1 am, and she had been sleeping soundly.  She had been doing well and was adamant that she was fine and I needed to go home and rest.  My sister was coming back in a couple hours and the nurse said she would be right outside the room, so I went home.  As soon as I walked in the door I got a phone call to come back up to the hospital quickly, because she was having trouble breathing again.  When, I got back to the hospital, she had been sedated.  She never really woke up again after that.  We spent the next 7-8 hours holding her hands, kissing her face, and telling her just how loved she was.  Around 10 a.m. on November 14, 2013, while we surrounded her bedside, she took her last breath here on earth, and her faith became sight.  She was finally Home.

That day.  I thought I would be more ready, but the truth is, I don't think I would've ever been ready.  She could've lived to be 120 years old, and I still don't think I would've been ready.  I miss her.  She is my mom!  I had not lived a day on this earth without her!  I didn't get to tell her we were gonna have a baby boy and that his name is Judah!  She won't be here to hold him and kiss and snug him up the way Mimi always did.  Sometimes my chest physically hurts because I miss her so bad.

I find myself picking up my phone, on a daily basis, to call her.  Most of the time I don't even have anything important to tell her.  I just want to check in, or tell her something funny one of the kids did, or tell her Shepard had a fever, or Paige has a choir performance, or Annalee said something hilarious, or Davis wants to show her how good he's reading!   She always wanted to know about the little details of life.  She worried with me like only a mother does.  She would call several times a day if I had a sick child.  She worried about me especially when I was pregnant and wanted to make sure I was taken care of.  Oh, if I could just talk to her.

We made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it was really hard.  So many things remind me of her.  She was always the life of the party!  She loved to host us and wanted to be right in the middle of all the action.  There was an obvious missing link.  Scott and I and the kids spent the night with daddy at his house and had Christmas morning there.  It was great to be able to share that time with him.  The kids thought it was the absolute best.  She would've loved that.  

This grief is deep.  I don't know what to do with it much of the time.  It seemingly comes out of nowhere sometimes, and just washes right over me uncontrollably.  The Lord has been near to me.  I am able to grieve with hope, knowing that her salvation and mine, will reunite us with the Father for an eternity.  He has held me up with His righteous right hand, and I can honestly say, that apart from Him I would literally be in pieces.  I am thankful that she is made whole.  I am grateful that she is free from pain and will never suffer again.  She wins!  She left a beautiful legacy.    I just desperately miss her on this side.  

Hearing Him

This summer I walked through a bible study that challenged me to partially fast from different areas in life (i.e. food, media, possessions, etc.).  Subsequently, when I spent less time focused on some of these areas, the Lord's still small voice was suddenly a giant roar!  He met me, right where I was.  It was so very personal.  So refreshing.  It was such a gift.  I needed Him desperately.  In the midst of this intimate time with Him, He revealed something I was not quite ready for...

I had been spending time studying some different verses on obedience and at that time was fasting from some of my possessions and purging.  During my time with Him that week, I felt the Lord urging me to consider having another baby.  My first reaction..."No."  Lord do you realize how many kids we have? That is just plain crazy.  I can't.  I cannot.  So, each day, He laid it before me again.  He gave me more as time went on.  But it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear.  My mom was sick, but at that point in time, was still managing ok and we were still on track to travel back and forth to MD Anderson.  However, I knew she would likely not meet a new baby. I just could not even go there.

The Lord was clear that this baby was to be a sign of hope and healing.  He was clear about the fact that He wanted me to obey.  I just could not do it.  After weeks of battling back and forth with Him, I told Scott what was going on and asked him to pray as well.  At this point, I was still taking my pill re.lig.ous.ly.  (Like I have control ;) )  I was begging the Lord, that if I was hearing Him, to please give me a clear sign.  Like, write it in the flippin' sky kind of sign!  And simultaneously asking Him to give me clarity if I was somehow not hearing His voice.  To make me aware that I am wrong, and I was gonna be A-ok with that!

About a week later, I woke up in the middle of the night, and it was as if the Lord was sitting in the room with me saying. "Annie, why are you choosing not to obey?  I don't need you, but I am giving you the opportunity to surrender and obey and be a part of this miracle.  Why are you choosing not to obey?"  Uhhhhh....I was a little dumbfounded, but still unwilling to trust Him.  I told Scott the next evening about what happened and he said that he thought I should stop taking my pill out of obedience.  So I didn't take it.  Well, that night I woke up in a blind panic about what I was gonna do if my mom got sicker?  How was I gonna travel back and forth to MD Anderson on bed rest?  What would I do if she needed me to take care of her and I couldn't???  So I decided I would take the pill I missed first thing in the mooring, catch up that night and that would be that.

Fastforward to the next morning.  I get up pop the pill out of the package, it shoots up into the air and then goes straight.down.the.drain.  It didn't even bounce. Never hit the side.   Straight down.  Gone.  Sigh.  Ok, Lord.  I see the sign. Ok.

So, about two weeks later, a positive pregnancy test it was!  Unreal.  This is really happening.  We are gonna have 5 kids.  5!  We have officially stepped over the line right into crazy, and are trusting the Lord with every breath.  I am currently 14 weeks along and am due May 2, 2014.  The Lord has given us specific first names which is Hope for a girl and Judah for a boy, meaning faith.  We find out the gender in about 2 weeks and are looking forward to it!  So, please be in prayer as we continue on our journey!
 

The Road

Those eyes.  They melt my heart.  I was thinking about eyes today as I was sitting in a waiting room with some time to reflect as we waited.  Eyes are described as the windows to the soul.  I wonder what people see as they look into my eyes?

The Lord has decided that my mom has cancer.  We found out about a month ago, that she had a colorectal mass that was an adenocarcinoma.  The course of treatment at that point was to send her to MD Anderson (MDA) in Houston.  It was at least stage 3 at that point because there were no other scans done to know if it was elsewhere.  It was communicated that they thought they could get us out there the following week so they didn't want to do any more testing because they would just do them all at MDA.  Well, one week went by, then two, then almost three!  We finally got an appointment for April 1 and were glad but over-anxious because several weeks had passed already. So we had a plan.

The Lord likes to wreck my life from time to time to remind me He is in control.  So, on Sunday, eight days before leaving for Houston, my sister calls concerned, telling me that momma is having some strange neurological symptoms.  I knew, as I stood in the kitchen, preparing dinner for my family, that it was in her brain.  I wept.  I tried to grasp at other ideas of what else it could be, but in the depth of my heart, I knew.

The following day we went to the hospital for lots of scans and tests, only to find out that it was definitely in her brain, as well as her lungs and liver.  Wow.  Numbness.  Ears ringing.  Mind swimming.  I was overwhelmed.

We talked to several different doctors and pleaded with the Lord about what His plan was going to be.  Ultimately, the plan was to go to MDA on April 3 to see what they could do.  They think they can do surgery to remove the tumor in her brain and as for the rest of the treatment we will find out soon.

So, here we are.  I am sitting in one of the billion waiting rooms at MDA still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is real.  The Lord has been very near.  He has provided abundantly in so many ways so far!  For me personally, I am having to leave my 4 sweet children and my precious hubby!  That is hard.  I am OCD.  I don't like having to ask others for help.  I feel like a burden.  I don't know how long this will be.  How long I will need other's help!  God has provided such selfless, sweet friends though.  They have literally just taken over, loved my kids, picked them up, dropped them off, brought dinner, and I could go on and on!  I honestly do not deserve to be loved that well.  It is a gift from the Lord.

My husband is having to play Mr. Mom, and bless his soul he is doing it so well :) I don't like being away from them, and thank the Lord for FaceTime so I can at least see everyone's face.  They are an extension of me, and while I would not be anywhere else than at my mom's side, I do not feel whole apart from them.  I struggle with missing them.

So, as I take time waiting, hoping, praying, and dreaming, I am asking the Lord to show me the places in my soul that I long for Him!  I want the windows to my soul to be clear with Christ!  He is here.  I am thankful.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  So, I'm trying to be still.  I'm waiting and hoping in the Lord, and whatever his plan may be.  Please pray with me friends.

Music To My Ears

I love music!  I always have.  I know the words to most songs, however I could not tell you title and artist!  I am terrible at that! I have been without music for a while though.

 While we love our van, something went wrong a while back and the radio, cd player, dvd player, etc... all stopped working!  Something electrical.  To fix everything, we would have to replace the whole console.  So, that seems simple enough.  We look into it, and it costs about $4000 to replace said console.  Ummmm.....no.way.  We are planning on driving the van until it dies and since it is paid for, we are hoping that is a LONG time!  In light of no music in the vehicle that I feel like I spend 75% of my day in, I have missed it!

Well, for Christmas, my hubby got me an iPhone!  I know!  What a gift, right?  Other than the fact that I am an iphone dummy, I really do love it!  Well, I loaded the Pandora app and it.is.fabulous.  So I type in an artist that I like and it develops a whole station of songs to circulate that are either that particular artist or others like them.  Now, I can turn on pandora, anywhere I am and listen to music anytime!  It makes my heart smile :)

And now that I have re-read my post, it makes me sound like I live in the dark ages!  Well, minus the new iPhone!

   

Happy New Year!  I figured it would be a good thing for me to actually add a picture of Shepard to the blog to prove his existence!  Seeing as how a year ago, I had REALLY good intentions to put some pics up ;)  So, here he is, a year later!  I could seriously just eat him up!!!  He has been an absolute joy!

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I blogged last!  What has happened to me??  I really love it, but I have to make it a habit, or I just cannot get around to it.  So, this year, hopefully, will be a more productive blogging time for me!  Hopefully.

So, let's catch up a little.  I am enjoying being a mommy of 4.  I am perfectly content with the number of children we have, but I don't know if I will ever be that person who can insistently say "I'm done".  I love a newborn baby.  We are not seeking to have any more, but I think the Lord just gave me a heart for babies :)  

Paige

She is in the 3rd grade now and doing very well in school.  She is my rule follower :)  She is a servant and a helper.  She became a believer about 3 years ago, and it has been so sweet to watch the Lord grow her up in Him.  We started a mother/daughter daily devotional, and it has been the sweetest most satisfying time together.  I love the questions she asks, and alot of times she challenges me more than I expect!  She is a fabulous big sister and being the oldest suits her motherly instincts :)

Annalee

She is in 1st grade this year.  She loves school and is so very bright!  She soaks up information like sponge!  She loves life.  She is able to just let go of things so easily.  For example, if I correct her about something, she typically immediately responds with "yes ma'am, mommy!",  and stops what she's doing and goes on just as happily!  What?!?!  She didn't get that from me! Meanwhile, if I correct my other children over the same thing in the same manner, tears or pouting immediately ensue!  The Lord teaches me alot through this little girl :)

Davis

He started preschool two days a week in a 4k program.  He really loves it!  I had a hard time letting him go to school!  He was my baby for a while, and I felt like life was passing me by way too quickly!  Which, it is!  He loves all thing superhero right now.  He loves his daddy!  He is content playing superheroes and legos with Scott.  That is fulfilling for him :)  He still gives me kisses on command and is not embarrassed yet!  I'll milk that until the very end :)  He is a great big brother!  There has really been no big jealousy to speak of.  Aside from being a little too rough with Shepard from time to time, he LOVES that little brother!

Shepard

He is my baby, of course.  He is snuggly, and gives lots of hugs and kisses!  He is learning to walk, but crawling still seems to be a quicker mode of transportation, so he typically chooses that for the time being.  He is repeating most everything we say.  I am always amazed at how quickly their little brains develop and what he can understand and is now learning to express!!  He is also, really funny.  Not kidding.  I think he's gonna be the life of the party.  He's always doing something to purposefully make us laugh :)

Scott

He took a new position this year and is the Help Desk for the high school that he works for.  It has been  a good change-up and little break, not to mention a pay increase, which we desperately needed!  His heart is still for children with special needs, and he still works closely within the high school and sponsors a club connecting typical students with students who have special needs.  The bummer of the position is that it is a 12 month position, so he doesn't have summers off :(  I really miss that.     

Me

I am working still, sparingly, in the evenings some.  I spend a large portion of time in carpool :)  I am always a little OCD.  I like to have things as simple as possible.  I have been decluttering for forever, it feels like, to try to simplify life and keep things a little more manageable :)  I struggle with getting caught up in getting things just right, and sometimes find myself missing the really important things in life because it interrupts what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'm thankful that the Lord is faithful to draw that to my attention when I get like that, so that I can repent, and choose what's important :)  

Well, that is just a little update!  I hope that you and your families are well and I will do my best to get back into the blogoshpere!

Shep's Birth Story

So....a month and a half ago, I said I was gonna post some pics and tell you the story. Yeah. It's taken me a little while to get back around to the old blog:) But lo and behold, I am back! I will be able to post some pics in a few days, but until then, I will at least tell the story, so as not to put this off any longer!!
On Monday, November 14, the day after Scott's birthday :), I went in for my appointment and I was 5 cm dilated. He gave me the option to go home and wait it out, but that I would certainly not make it more than another day. So, the other option was to just start some pitocin and break my water and go ahead and have this baby! I wanted to try to go natural, so I ideally didn't want to do pitocin, and I thought about it for about 5 seconds....then, I remembered that I hadn't slept for about two weeks and was EXHAUSTED! I opted for going over and getting things started:)
We got over to the hospital and I got hooked up to the monitor and IV in place, and we were on our way to meeting baby Shepard in a few hours. My mom and Scott's mom were there of course:). My friend Morgan was my stand-in birthing coach in the end, for when it was time to deliver, because our awesome doctor was gonna let Scott deliver the baby again! Also, props to LaJuan and Shay for taking pics and videoing so that I have documentation of this special day.
Anyhow, back to the birth!
I was moving right along and breathing thru my contractions. Scott was a great coach, because he kept silent, and turns out, that is exactly what I needed! Someone to be silent and not touch me! The doctor broke my water when I was still about 5-6 cm. Thankfully there wasn't a drastic change in the way my labor went. My nurse was a friend of mine who I worked with, and she was great! She let me go back and forth to the bathroom when I needed to , and get up on the side of the bed so that I wasn't confined to the bed the whole labor. I was worried about how that was gonna play out, because when you are on pitocin, you have to be on the monitor the whole time. So, getting out of bed was a great relief!
Around 2:30ish, my nurse checked me and I was 8cm. She walked out of the room and didn't even make it to the nurse's station, because with the next contraction I had to push!! She came running back in, and I was completely dilated. The next several minutes were a whirlwind. I went from making it thru and breathing thru contractions, to taking a sharp 90 degree turn of having to uncontrollably push out a baby!!!! Scott and the nurse were prepared and the doctor was literally running as he was making his way to the room. Scott was definitely able to deliver Shepard, because he came so quickly! My doctor walked in as Scott was delivering his head, and thankfully everything went smoothly and we welcomed a healthy baby boy into the world!
He weighed 6lbs 4oz and was 20 in long.
He is the most precious little angel, and it's hard to believe we ever lived without him:) He has been such a gift. We were surprised when we found out we were expecting him, but obviously the Lord knows what He's doing:) It has made me trust Him more throughout this pregnancy and birth. We are simply blessed :)