Hearing Him

This summer I walked through a bible study that challenged me to partially fast from different areas in life (i.e. food, media, possessions, etc.).  Subsequently, when I spent less time focused on some of these areas, the Lord's still small voice was suddenly a giant roar!  He met me, right where I was.  It was so very personal.  So refreshing.  It was such a gift.  I needed Him desperately.  In the midst of this intimate time with Him, He revealed something I was not quite ready for...

I had been spending time studying some different verses on obedience and at that time was fasting from some of my possessions and purging.  During my time with Him that week, I felt the Lord urging me to consider having another baby.  My first reaction..."No."  Lord do you realize how many kids we have? That is just plain crazy.  I can't.  I cannot.  So, each day, He laid it before me again.  He gave me more as time went on.  But it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear.  My mom was sick, but at that point in time, was still managing ok and we were still on track to travel back and forth to MD Anderson.  However, I knew she would likely not meet a new baby. I just could not even go there.

The Lord was clear that this baby was to be a sign of hope and healing.  He was clear about the fact that He wanted me to obey.  I just could not do it.  After weeks of battling back and forth with Him, I told Scott what was going on and asked him to pray as well.  At this point, I was still taking my pill re.lig.ous.ly.  (Like I have control ;) )  I was begging the Lord, that if I was hearing Him, to please give me a clear sign.  Like, write it in the flippin' sky kind of sign!  And simultaneously asking Him to give me clarity if I was somehow not hearing His voice.  To make me aware that I am wrong, and I was gonna be A-ok with that!

About a week later, I woke up in the middle of the night, and it was as if the Lord was sitting in the room with me saying. "Annie, why are you choosing not to obey?  I don't need you, but I am giving you the opportunity to surrender and obey and be a part of this miracle.  Why are you choosing not to obey?"  Uhhhhh....I was a little dumbfounded, but still unwilling to trust Him.  I told Scott the next evening about what happened and he said that he thought I should stop taking my pill out of obedience.  So I didn't take it.  Well, that night I woke up in a blind panic about what I was gonna do if my mom got sicker?  How was I gonna travel back and forth to MD Anderson on bed rest?  What would I do if she needed me to take care of her and I couldn't???  So I decided I would take the pill I missed first thing in the mooring, catch up that night and that would be that.

Fastforward to the next morning.  I get up pop the pill out of the package, it shoots up into the air and then goes straight.down.the.drain.  It didn't even bounce. Never hit the side.   Straight down.  Gone.  Sigh.  Ok, Lord.  I see the sign. Ok.

So, about two weeks later, a positive pregnancy test it was!  Unreal.  This is really happening.  We are gonna have 5 kids.  5!  We have officially stepped over the line right into crazy, and are trusting the Lord with every breath.  I am currently 14 weeks along and am due May 2, 2014.  The Lord has given us specific first names which is Hope for a girl and Judah for a boy, meaning faith.  We find out the gender in about 2 weeks and are looking forward to it!  So, please be in prayer as we continue on our journey!
 

The Road

Those eyes.  They melt my heart.  I was thinking about eyes today as I was sitting in a waiting room with some time to reflect as we waited.  Eyes are described as the windows to the soul.  I wonder what people see as they look into my eyes?

The Lord has decided that my mom has cancer.  We found out about a month ago, that she had a colorectal mass that was an adenocarcinoma.  The course of treatment at that point was to send her to MD Anderson (MDA) in Houston.  It was at least stage 3 at that point because there were no other scans done to know if it was elsewhere.  It was communicated that they thought they could get us out there the following week so they didn't want to do any more testing because they would just do them all at MDA.  Well, one week went by, then two, then almost three!  We finally got an appointment for April 1 and were glad but over-anxious because several weeks had passed already. So we had a plan.

The Lord likes to wreck my life from time to time to remind me He is in control.  So, on Sunday, eight days before leaving for Houston, my sister calls concerned, telling me that momma is having some strange neurological symptoms.  I knew, as I stood in the kitchen, preparing dinner for my family, that it was in her brain.  I wept.  I tried to grasp at other ideas of what else it could be, but in the depth of my heart, I knew.

The following day we went to the hospital for lots of scans and tests, only to find out that it was definitely in her brain, as well as her lungs and liver.  Wow.  Numbness.  Ears ringing.  Mind swimming.  I was overwhelmed.

We talked to several different doctors and pleaded with the Lord about what His plan was going to be.  Ultimately, the plan was to go to MDA on April 3 to see what they could do.  They think they can do surgery to remove the tumor in her brain and as for the rest of the treatment we will find out soon.

So, here we are.  I am sitting in one of the billion waiting rooms at MDA still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is real.  The Lord has been very near.  He has provided abundantly in so many ways so far!  For me personally, I am having to leave my 4 sweet children and my precious hubby!  That is hard.  I am OCD.  I don't like having to ask others for help.  I feel like a burden.  I don't know how long this will be.  How long I will need other's help!  God has provided such selfless, sweet friends though.  They have literally just taken over, loved my kids, picked them up, dropped them off, brought dinner, and I could go on and on!  I honestly do not deserve to be loved that well.  It is a gift from the Lord.

My husband is having to play Mr. Mom, and bless his soul he is doing it so well :) I don't like being away from them, and thank the Lord for FaceTime so I can at least see everyone's face.  They are an extension of me, and while I would not be anywhere else than at my mom's side, I do not feel whole apart from them.  I struggle with missing them.

So, as I take time waiting, hoping, praying, and dreaming, I am asking the Lord to show me the places in my soul that I long for Him!  I want the windows to my soul to be clear with Christ!  He is here.  I am thankful.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  So, I'm trying to be still.  I'm waiting and hoping in the Lord, and whatever his plan may be.  Please pray with me friends.

Music To My Ears

I love music!  I always have.  I know the words to most songs, however I could not tell you title and artist!  I am terrible at that! I have been without music for a while though.

 While we love our van, something went wrong a while back and the radio, cd player, dvd player, etc... all stopped working!  Something electrical.  To fix everything, we would have to replace the whole console.  So, that seems simple enough.  We look into it, and it costs about $4000 to replace said console.  Ummmm.....no.way.  We are planning on driving the van until it dies and since it is paid for, we are hoping that is a LONG time!  In light of no music in the vehicle that I feel like I spend 75% of my day in, I have missed it!

Well, for Christmas, my hubby got me an iPhone!  I know!  What a gift, right?  Other than the fact that I am an iphone dummy, I really do love it!  Well, I loaded the Pandora app and it.is.fabulous.  So I type in an artist that I like and it develops a whole station of songs to circulate that are either that particular artist or others like them.  Now, I can turn on pandora, anywhere I am and listen to music anytime!  It makes my heart smile :)

And now that I have re-read my post, it makes me sound like I live in the dark ages!  Well, minus the new iPhone!

   

Happy New Year!  I figured it would be a good thing for me to actually add a picture of Shepard to the blog to prove his existence!  Seeing as how a year ago, I had REALLY good intentions to put some pics up ;)  So, here he is, a year later!  I could seriously just eat him up!!!  He has been an absolute joy!

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I blogged last!  What has happened to me??  I really love it, but I have to make it a habit, or I just cannot get around to it.  So, this year, hopefully, will be a more productive blogging time for me!  Hopefully.

So, let's catch up a little.  I am enjoying being a mommy of 4.  I am perfectly content with the number of children we have, but I don't know if I will ever be that person who can insistently say "I'm done".  I love a newborn baby.  We are not seeking to have any more, but I think the Lord just gave me a heart for babies :)  

Paige

She is in the 3rd grade now and doing very well in school.  She is my rule follower :)  She is a servant and a helper.  She became a believer about 3 years ago, and it has been so sweet to watch the Lord grow her up in Him.  We started a mother/daughter daily devotional, and it has been the sweetest most satisfying time together.  I love the questions she asks, and alot of times she challenges me more than I expect!  She is a fabulous big sister and being the oldest suits her motherly instincts :)

Annalee

She is in 1st grade this year.  She loves school and is so very bright!  She soaks up information like sponge!  She loves life.  She is able to just let go of things so easily.  For example, if I correct her about something, she typically immediately responds with "yes ma'am, mommy!",  and stops what she's doing and goes on just as happily!  What?!?!  She didn't get that from me! Meanwhile, if I correct my other children over the same thing in the same manner, tears or pouting immediately ensue!  The Lord teaches me alot through this little girl :)

Davis

He started preschool two days a week in a 4k program.  He really loves it!  I had a hard time letting him go to school!  He was my baby for a while, and I felt like life was passing me by way too quickly!  Which, it is!  He loves all thing superhero right now.  He loves his daddy!  He is content playing superheroes and legos with Scott.  That is fulfilling for him :)  He still gives me kisses on command and is not embarrassed yet!  I'll milk that until the very end :)  He is a great big brother!  There has really been no big jealousy to speak of.  Aside from being a little too rough with Shepard from time to time, he LOVES that little brother!

Shepard

He is my baby, of course.  He is snuggly, and gives lots of hugs and kisses!  He is learning to walk, but crawling still seems to be a quicker mode of transportation, so he typically chooses that for the time being.  He is repeating most everything we say.  I am always amazed at how quickly their little brains develop and what he can understand and is now learning to express!!  He is also, really funny.  Not kidding.  I think he's gonna be the life of the party.  He's always doing something to purposefully make us laugh :)

Scott

He took a new position this year and is the Help Desk for the high school that he works for.  It has been  a good change-up and little break, not to mention a pay increase, which we desperately needed!  His heart is still for children with special needs, and he still works closely within the high school and sponsors a club connecting typical students with students who have special needs.  The bummer of the position is that it is a 12 month position, so he doesn't have summers off :(  I really miss that.     

Me

I am working still, sparingly, in the evenings some.  I spend a large portion of time in carpool :)  I am always a little OCD.  I like to have things as simple as possible.  I have been decluttering for forever, it feels like, to try to simplify life and keep things a little more manageable :)  I struggle with getting caught up in getting things just right, and sometimes find myself missing the really important things in life because it interrupts what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'm thankful that the Lord is faithful to draw that to my attention when I get like that, so that I can repent, and choose what's important :)  

Well, that is just a little update!  I hope that you and your families are well and I will do my best to get back into the blogoshpere!