Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Road

Those eyes.  They melt my heart.  I was thinking about eyes today as I was sitting in a waiting room with some time to reflect as we waited.  Eyes are described as the windows to the soul.  I wonder what people see as they look into my eyes?

The Lord has decided that my mom has cancer.  We found out about a month ago, that she had a colorectal mass that was an adenocarcinoma.  The course of treatment at that point was to send her to MD Anderson (MDA) in Houston.  It was at least stage 3 at that point because there were no other scans done to know if it was elsewhere.  It was communicated that they thought they could get us out there the following week so they didn't want to do any more testing because they would just do them all at MDA.  Well, one week went by, then two, then almost three!  We finally got an appointment for April 1 and were glad but over-anxious because several weeks had passed already. So we had a plan.

The Lord likes to wreck my life from time to time to remind me He is in control.  So, on Sunday, eight days before leaving for Houston, my sister calls concerned, telling me that momma is having some strange neurological symptoms.  I knew, as I stood in the kitchen, preparing dinner for my family, that it was in her brain.  I wept.  I tried to grasp at other ideas of what else it could be, but in the depth of my heart, I knew.

The following day we went to the hospital for lots of scans and tests, only to find out that it was definitely in her brain, as well as her lungs and liver.  Wow.  Numbness.  Ears ringing.  Mind swimming.  I was overwhelmed.

We talked to several different doctors and pleaded with the Lord about what His plan was going to be.  Ultimately, the plan was to go to MDA on April 3 to see what they could do.  They think they can do surgery to remove the tumor in her brain and as for the rest of the treatment we will find out soon.

So, here we are.  I am sitting in one of the billion waiting rooms at MDA still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is real.  The Lord has been very near.  He has provided abundantly in so many ways so far!  For me personally, I am having to leave my 4 sweet children and my precious hubby!  That is hard.  I am OCD.  I don't like having to ask others for help.  I feel like a burden.  I don't know how long this will be.  How long I will need other's help!  God has provided such selfless, sweet friends though.  They have literally just taken over, loved my kids, picked them up, dropped them off, brought dinner, and I could go on and on!  I honestly do not deserve to be loved that well.  It is a gift from the Lord.

My husband is having to play Mr. Mom, and bless his soul he is doing it so well :) I don't like being away from them, and thank the Lord for FaceTime so I can at least see everyone's face.  They are an extension of me, and while I would not be anywhere else than at my mom's side, I do not feel whole apart from them.  I struggle with missing them.

So, as I take time waiting, hoping, praying, and dreaming, I am asking the Lord to show me the places in my soul that I long for Him!  I want the windows to my soul to be clear with Christ!  He is here.  I am thankful.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  So, I'm trying to be still.  I'm waiting and hoping in the Lord, and whatever his plan may be.  Please pray with me friends.