Missing her...

For several weeks now, I have felt the Lord urging me to blog about my mom.  There are so many thoughts and emotions, I have trouble making sense of it all.  As a whole, I don't write too many things down.  I've always wanted to be an avid journaler, putting on paper my deepest thoughts and feelings.  But….nope.  I tend to just keep that at arm's length ;)  When it comes to my mama though, something certainly just needs to be written.

On November 13, 2013, just 10 days from my previous blog post, I got a call from my middle sister that mama was having some trouble breathing.  An ambulance was called and I met them at the hospital.  She was doing better when I got there after a little oxygen and some fluids.  They were just gonna keep her overnight and the plan was to send her home the following morning on some oxygen.  I stayed with her until about 1 am, and she had been sleeping soundly.  She had been doing well and was adamant that she was fine and I needed to go home and rest.  My sister was coming back in a couple hours and the nurse said she would be right outside the room, so I went home.  As soon as I walked in the door I got a phone call to come back up to the hospital quickly, because she was having trouble breathing again.  When, I got back to the hospital, she had been sedated.  She never really woke up again after that.  We spent the next 7-8 hours holding her hands, kissing her face, and telling her just how loved she was.  Around 10 a.m. on November 14, 2013, while we surrounded her bedside, she took her last breath here on earth, and her faith became sight.  She was finally Home.

That day.  I thought I would be more ready, but the truth is, I don't think I would've ever been ready.  She could've lived to be 120 years old, and I still don't think I would've been ready.  I miss her.  She is my mom!  I had not lived a day on this earth without her!  I didn't get to tell her we were gonna have a baby boy and that his name is Judah!  She won't be here to hold him and kiss and snug him up the way Mimi always did.  Sometimes my chest physically hurts because I miss her so bad.

I find myself picking up my phone, on a daily basis, to call her.  Most of the time I don't even have anything important to tell her.  I just want to check in, or tell her something funny one of the kids did, or tell her Shepard had a fever, or Paige has a choir performance, or Annalee said something hilarious, or Davis wants to show her how good he's reading!   She always wanted to know about the little details of life.  She worried with me like only a mother does.  She would call several times a day if I had a sick child.  She worried about me especially when I was pregnant and wanted to make sure I was taken care of.  Oh, if I could just talk to her.

We made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it was really hard.  So many things remind me of her.  She was always the life of the party!  She loved to host us and wanted to be right in the middle of all the action.  There was an obvious missing link.  Scott and I and the kids spent the night with daddy at his house and had Christmas morning there.  It was great to be able to share that time with him.  The kids thought it was the absolute best.  She would've loved that.  

This grief is deep.  I don't know what to do with it much of the time.  It seemingly comes out of nowhere sometimes, and just washes right over me uncontrollably.  The Lord has been near to me.  I am able to grieve with hope, knowing that her salvation and mine, will reunite us with the Father for an eternity.  He has held me up with His righteous right hand, and I can honestly say, that apart from Him I would literally be in pieces.  I am thankful that she is made whole.  I am grateful that she is free from pain and will never suffer again.  She wins!  She left a beautiful legacy.    I just desperately miss her on this side.